Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Open Letters to the Strangers in my Daily Life

Dear Lady in the Exercise Room,
     The TV has a million channels. Why the hell do you want to watch a friggin' infomercial? WHY? I'd kinda like to see the news and weather, rahter than painfully learn about a water filtration thingy or a bagel slicer. I tried to smile at you; did it work?

Dear Guy Who Wears Sunglasses Every Single Morning,
     Dude, it's October. Have you noticed that it's actually dark outside at 7am? Seriously, quit it.

Dear Bus Driver,
     What the hell? STOP SINGING.

Dear People Getting On the Bus,
     Stop looking at me that way. I got here first, it's my damn seat, move on back. Thank you.

Dear People at the Park-n-Ride,
     Every single friggin' morning, it's a surprise to you that I'm getting off the bus and have to walk through you. Move the hell out of the way; your bus isn't here yet. Thanks.

Dear Drivers Stuck in Traffic,
     Yes, I have to cross the road in front of you because there's no friggin' crosswalk. It's not like you're going anywhere any time soon. Just chill, m'kay?

Dear Cafeteria Manager,
     Dude, I don't know how you keep such a cheery disposition every single day, but keep it up. It may sound cheesy, but you light up my life, even if for a minute while I pay for my lunch. Rock on.

Dear People on the Stairs,
     They're STAIRS. That means other people will use them to go the opposite direction you're going. I thought you learned how these things work a looong time ago.

Dear Guys in the Bathroom,
     Come on, dudes, you're GUYS! Don't be afraid to giggle when someone lets out a massive fart. I know I'm not the only one. Guys normally find farts funny; it's even allowed in here because it's, you know, the bathroom. And it'd be less embarrassing if we all laughed. Just sayin'.

Dear Jerks That Are Too Lazy to Recycle,
     It's not like the bins aren't right outside of, oh I don't know, EVERYWHERE! Use them. It's not like the short walk is going to kill you. And most of you could use the exercise. Thanks.

Dear Shuttle Van Drivers,
     Excessive use of blinkers. Ever heard of the story The Boy Who Cried Wolf? Try decaf.

Dear Bus Driver,
     What the hell? STOP SINGING.

Dear People in the New High-Class Restaurant That Looks Out Over the Sidewalk,
     Hey, your table is right at my eye level. You wanted a window seat, that means while you look out, I get to look in. It also means I get to eye your food. And your cleavage too, lady. Bon appetit!
 

4 comments:

bladio said...

you have hit the nail on the head of some of my biggest pet peeves. so now i am feeling a mix of pissed (because i've been reminded about that stairs thing, etc.) and a little happy (that i'm not alone).

Raggedy Angst said...

Can we work on escalators too? Stand on the right, allow others to move on the left. Seriously, it is possible to talk in single file. I don't care that the staircase is moving, I'll still get there faster if you shift your lazy ass and let me by!

Ash said...

Amen!

Are you talking about the blond, singing shuttle driver? OMG - I get embarrassed for her!

Lynn Sinclair said...

May I add my own?

Dear Driver Behind Me On the Residential Streets of My Town,
I don't speed on side streets because there's too many kids, so get off my ass--it's not going to make me go any faster.

Ah...I needed that.